Christmas Holiday Cheer Joke

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer

1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it’s you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, “Call a priest!”
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party’s at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror.

Snowman Christmas Jokes

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy ? She gave him the cold shoulder !

What do snowmen wear on their heads ? Ice caps !

What do snowmen eat for lunch ? Icebergers !

Where do snowmen go to dance ? Snowballs !

How do snowmen travel around ? By iceicle !

What sort of ball doesn't bounce ? A snowball !

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ? You wake up wet !

What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ? Frost bite !

How do you call an Eskimo cow ? An Eskimoo !

Halloween Jokes, Funny Halloween Jokes, Jokes, Vampire Jokes

A vampire joke
What happened to the mad vampire?
He went a little batty!

A demon joke
What is the best way to get rid of a demon?
Exorcise a lot!

A ghost joke
What kind of jewels to ghosts wear?
Tombstones!

A demon joke
Why do demons and ghouls get on so well?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

A vampire joke
Where do vampires go on holiday?
The Isle of Fright!

A vampire joke
What’s a vampire’s favourite soup?
Sharks’ fang soup!

A vampire joke
Which vampire ate the three bears porridge?
Ghouldilocks!

How Girls Rate Guys?

Girls' relationship with guys is a bigger mystery than girls themselves.

It's not just about boyfriends, we're talking about guy friends that gals have.


Do you have a gal who is just a friend? Are confused why the frequency of calls increases as exams loom closer? Or why she always hangs around with the moron who isn't fit to wear Jeetendra's white shoes? Here's a ready reckoner for you:


********



% just a friend %


Well, you are like a show piece in my house. I will call you whenever I need you. If you call me home the chances are 9 out of 10 times she might say, "Oh Aaditya, I am going out can you call me after 2 days??"

Aaditya: "Where are you going Shilpa??"

Shilpa: "None of your business" and bangs the phone.(Useless fellow.Hmmph! ).


********


% Good Friend %


You are like a TV remote control. I need you and I know that. But I try using you when I really need you.

Aaditya calls: "Hi Shilpa",

Shilpa: "Hi Aaditya. I am going out with family I will call you back. Bye"

(Shilpa calls back after two days)

Shilpa: "What do you want Aaditya? Why did you call that day?".

Aaditya: "Generally".

Shilpa: "Oh ok. I got to go out. Will call you later. Bye."

Will call when she needs lecture notes or some concert tickets.


********


% Very good friend %


Well you are like the pressure cooker safety value for the girl.

She will need you when she wants to bring out her pain or anger on someone.

Basically, she wants to talk to you. And you are special to her.

Shilpa: "You know Aaditya, Shekhar is not eating. He doesn't sleep and is not able to concentrate on his studies. I think he doesn't like me anymore. And yesterday I saw him with another girl".

Aaditya: "Who is Shekhar??"

Shilpa : "My boyfriend."

Aaditya: Oh! Ok.


********


% Best Friend %


You are like the auto rickshaw driver. She can't live without you.

And don't be mistaken. You are not her boyfriend. But you are allowed to take her little doggie around the park so that he (not you!) can have fun.


Aaditya Shopping. Aaditya Movie. Aaditya Coffee. Aaditya,you pay. I am having fun.

Aaditya is now sure that he should go ahead and propose. He dares.

Shilpa: "But I thought we were just friends. We should remain friends

Aaditya. Plus, I have a boy friend you know that."

Aaditya: What?? (Aaditya drinks all night).


********


% Best of the Best Friends %


Ok now you are really special.

You are dad-cum-boyfriend- cum-brother- cum-everything.

Ultimately you are the darling servant of the girl.

You take her around.

You make her project.

You do her assignments.

You are allowed to take her doggie around.

You can hold hands on the beach.

You can see the sun set with her (because she wants to do everything she drags you along).

But but but... Don't be mistaken. She has a boyfriend who works for a huge software company and earns 3 times the salary you earn and has a flat in PoesGardenor Boat Club or Hiranandani area.

Shilpa: "Hi Aaditya. I am getting engaged to Shekhar. Shekhar this is Aaditya, he is my bestest friend".

Aaditya: Hi Shekhar . (Hand shake. Shekhar breaks Aaditya's wrist).

Aaditya is now heart broken and wrist broken.


********


% Boyfriend %


Uh... No comments dude. You're already Gone!


********


Now ~ where you stand?

so be careful
********

Detective Job

Three blondes were applying for the last available position in the Wyoming Sheriff's Department. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?" The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture and said,

"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice such things as distinguishing features and oddities, like scars and tattoos."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the same photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other bimbo? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde replied, "I sure did! This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, examined the picture and began reviewing some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right!

His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, duhhhhhhh!

With only one eye and one ear he certainly can't wear glasses!"

Halloween Jokes, Halloween Pranks, Funny Halloween

Q. What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!

Q. What is a Mummie's favorite type of music? A. Wrap!!!!!

Q. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? A. Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

Q. What's a monster's favorite bean? A. A human bean.

Q. Why can't the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.

Q. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A. A sand-witch.

Q. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? A. Anywhere where he can boo-gie.

Q. What did the skeleton say to the vampire? A. You suck.

Q. What do ghosts say when something is really neat? A.Ghoul

Q. Why did the ghost go into the bar? A. For the Boos.

Q. Why was the girl afraid of the vampire? A. He was all bite and no bark.

Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? A. He didn't have a haunting license.

Q. Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party? A. He had no body to dance with.

Q. Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch? A. At the casketeria.

Q. What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? A. He is mist.

Q. Where did the goblin throw the football? A. Over the ghoul line.

Q. Why doesn't Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat. A. Because of the coffin.

Q. Why is a ghost such a messy eater? A. Because he is always a goblin.

Q. What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire? A. A toasty ghosty.

Q. Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal? Q. He heard it had great circulation.

Q. What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae? A. Whipped scream.

Q. What do you give a skeleton for valentine's day? A. Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

Q. What are ghosts' favorite kind of streets? A. Dead ends

Q. What is a vampires favorite holiday? A. Fangsgiving

Q. What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? A. Mas-scare-a.

Q. Why did the skeleton cross the road? A. To go to the body shop.

Q. What happens when two vampires meet? A. It was love at first bite!

For more Halloween Goodies visit Halloween Celebrations

Fashion Jokes n Fashion Humour

To enjoy quality fashion jokes and fashion humour, visit Fashion Jokes. And to know more about the latest trends in the fashion world, visit Fashions n Designs.

Golf : This hole holds bad memories

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked: "What's wrong?"

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "I’m sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."

"Oh my God", the other golfers said. "That must have been horrible!"

"Horrible?! You think its horrible?" Bob continued still very distressed. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."

To read more about Golf visit Golf.

A Date with Death